The Turkey Report

Welcome.

In my last newsletter, I whimsically asked if anyone was interested in Thanksgiving statistics, turkey humor, etc.

I loved that many of you responded "yes!" The enthusiasm was motivating. And then it hit me.

I don't know any turkey humor.

Had I become the turkey? Sigh. I decided to own it. A turkey can rotate its neck for a 360-degree vision. I can Google.

This won’t be hard.

Here’s what my week of turkey humor hunting looked like.

Sunday: A Short Hunt

I type "turkey humor," into the google machine. I sift through the results. Everything is rated G or R, and at best mildly humorous. But if I select from one cluster of humor, half of you unsubscribe. If I select from both, all of you unsubscribe. I start to feel caged in.

This will not be like shooting turkeys in a barrel.

Monday: Down the Turkey Hole

I decide not to mess around. I head to distant, edgier corners of the interweb.

For a moment I think I have found something. A forum where people ask the crowd, "Am I the A-hole" (AITA). They post their situation and the crowd lets them know if they are the jerk or the other side is the jerk. Example questions posed:

AITA for going to my family's thanksgiving instead of my husband's?
AITA for refusing to host Thanksgiving for 20+ people for the 4th year in a row?
AITA for taking away my daughter's thanksgiving present because she refused to eat what my wife cooked?

Some of the situations and responses are funny. But ultimately the laughs come at the expense of others’ pain or bad behavior. And the theme is division. Ugh. This is not the direction I want to go.

I then find a place where this guy has been trying to make Thanksgiving funny for years. I think in this image he's giving up?

I feel his vibe. One thing I have learned about writing: there's always that moment where I want to quit, hit delete, and move on. It's part of the process.

Tuesday: A Shift to Serious

During the day I think about what I am going to write. I toggle between: play it safe or share what I am really thinking?

Safe Mode

I like data. Stories often hide in the numbers.

I read that 50% of all whole bird turkeys sold in the U.S. are consumed in a single day due to Thanksgiving. I have never eaten a WHOLE turkey on any day other than Thanksgiving, so who does? Curious.

I read that the average American consumes 4,500 calories on Thanksgiving Day. And a lot of alcohol. Probably best not to climb ladders to decorate. Speaking of health, per an ER doc:

Thanksgiving is the No 1 day for chest pain. Chances of a heart attack quadruple within 2 hours of devouring a large meal. Uncle Fred on heart meds should follow his doctor’s orders.
Thanksgiving Friday has more drunk driving accidents than New Year’s Eve. Drinking on Thanksgiving Friday is more spontaneous. People want to get out of the house. They end up drinking too much. Ubers have been in short supply. Could this year be worse?

Back in August, we knew turkey prices would be higher:

I convert 600 million pounds to 300,000 tons which is equal to 30,000 elephants in cold storage? Terrible image. This is getting stupid. What am I doing?

Panic Mode

Clouding my hunt is the news from the day before of an attempted suicide. It crushed me. It brought me back to the theme of my newsletter last Saturday: better conversations.

I feel an urgent need for all of us to reconnect with one another and with strangers. Especially strangers. It's how we end the culture wars and heal from the covid isolation.

So I am not in the mood to make fun of turkeys, people, or anything else.

I curate additional constructive, connecting conversation topics.

Fun, easy conversation prompts:

What does "Home" mean to you?
What's the single best thing you have done in your life? Why?
What's the best advice you've ever received?
There once was a dragon who couldn't breathe fire... (Improv: go around the table. Each person adds a sentence or two to the other person.)

Tuesday Night: The Turkey Microverse

I buy a turkey at Whole Foods. Price was $3.00/lb but only $2.00/lb with an Amazon Prime Card. Winner winner turkey dinner.

I had been to multiple grocery stores over multiple days. The price spread for turkeys ranged from $1.50/lb frozen to $7.00/lb for a fresh heirloom organic turkey.

I couldn’t stop thinking how a 20 lb turkey could cost $30 of $140? If you deep fry it, which is my preference, can anyone tell the difference? Probably not. Like expensive tequila in a margarita.

I get home. I realize I know nothing about the turkey industry. I am now super curious.

I find myself reading the daily USDA turkey report. I hear the monotone voice of Walter Cronkite. I am cracking up.

I dive into the "National Young Turkey Parts" reports that show wholesale per-pound prices of turkey breasts is $3.65. But necks are $0.78 for hens and $0.94 for toms! Wait, wut? Who buys turkey necks? I am in full-send turkey nerd mode.

I read that the US Poultry Association leadership committee is called the Hen Council.

There's a good chance that if this was the first and only thing I knew about the industry, I might have made a snarky comment. I might have laughed at them. But my deep dive into their world left me more curious to know who these strangers are.

Wednesday: Time to Write

I don't know what I am going to write.

I decide to share this absurd journey.

Does that make me the turkey humor? Absolutely not. Definitely not.

Here's the turkey humor.

It's The Turkey Drop episode on WKRP in Cincinnati. It was considered by many to be the show's most iconic moment.

I hope everyone has a great holiday weekend. 🦃

Michael

Find me online at www.sklarinterests.com

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Michael Sklar

🪁 The Turkey Report